It seemed like just yesterday I was sitting in writing rooms (or on skype) with God’s people in Nashville, chasing down songs for His glory, dreaming about carrying songs that would tell the world who God is and what He’s done for me. It was the very beginning of what I knew would be an amazing adventure and I was brimming with excitement. It was shocking to me how quickly that season changed. I went into 2019 hoping to release my very own debut single. Unexpectedly, with great joy and big challenges, we became a family of 6 and my baby boy was the single that was released into the world. 

The old adage “a baby changes everything” once again rang true and everything changed. I found myself with very little time and energy to write, lead, or sing like I was before and that door seemed to be only slightly ajar. I now spend most of my days corralling my kids, feeding them, arbitrating conflict, hugging, consoling, cleaning, diapering, nursing and more. The only songs I’ve written are spontaneous little tunes with my 2 year old co-writer about having potty power and the importance of washing your hands- I’m sure you can imagine what writing room we were in when those happened. Every now and again, through great difficulty, I was able to sing and lead here and there. Those times were so sweet, but their rarity showed me that God may be leading me elsewhere. 

I make it a habit to seek the Lord in the beginning of each year to ask what He would have me focus on. This year, Lord has been pressing one word into my heart like a guidepost for this season- home. I feel that for now, my eyes need to be focused homeward, serving the needs of my family and savoring the snuggles of my last baby.  In the midst of the worldwide COVID-19 crisis, the mantra for all for the last few weeks has been “stay home”. It’s ironic to me that this command was mine to follow long before it became yours as well. 

I don’t say all this to lament or to, in any way, imply that motherhood is keeping me from my dreams. Raising my four children to know and love Him is a high calling from my Father in Heaven and I am humbly aware of the honor, privilege, and blessing that’s been bestowed on me. 

Admittedly, some days it is easier to be content in and focused on where I am currently planted. Other days, I feel a pang of longing when my mind wanders, melodies drift through my head and I daydream about making God known through music. On those days, I keep coming back to this: God has a plan for me that is far better than anything I can ask for or imagine. Nothing He asks me to do right now is beneath me and I am not being wasted by being home to mother my children. Loving my kids well is far more valuable to God than any song I could ever sing or write.

I know someday God will clear a space and time for me to pursue the desires He put in my heart. Someday, I won’t be sliding gingerly through to the sliver of light that shines through that barely cracked open door. Someday that door will be flung open wide and I will run through it. Until then I am waiting for His perfect timing, lifting my voice alone in my sunlit kitchen. Until then, I’m still here. 

 

Rezwana, a former Muslim, now passionate disciple of Christ has been Pastor Gary Derbyshire's better half since 2008.

She is a worship leader, songwriter and mother to his four beautiful Bengali/American children. 

Follow her on Instagram or Facebook